My ED is a trade off. I exchange a certain amount of shame for physical discomfort and other sorts of shame.
I still have a hefty amount of shame left though, and it takes a lot of effort to hide that from myself.
I pretend to myself that this place is fine, but really it’s not. The shame is still here. It’s slightly easier to hide from myself and slightly easier to carry, but the cost in other ways is terribly high and it builds up another sort of shame.
I don’t want to be here. I can’t bear to go back to where I started from. And at the moment, there is nowhere else to be.
My mum said, even though this place is shitty, it’s the best I can do for the moment, and it’s a holding place that will allow me to build a new place to go to.
It hurts. It hurts and it hurts and it hurts. I hate it with every single ounce of me — and there are a lot of ounces.
i feel so gutted by life i have lost to this bullshit. like today, i really really saw what a futile pointless waste this all is. my mum said do you want to try a group or therapy or something but in the end we concluded that the best thing is to continue working on the book and focus on what i am doing well and the progress i am making and not seeing everything i do as faulty or wrong. It’s very hard to do that but i do think that is really the only way out of this.
god i really do hope there is a way out. it doesn’t feel like there is. idk
Tackling clearing out clothes this afternoon. Pray for me to the gods of everything…
Je vous donne
Le bon jour;
Et qu’on sorte
Le vous mande.
De ta bouche,
Qui se couche
Si tu dures
Dieu te doint
~ Clément Marot
Sorry i can’t do a Read More coz i’m on my phone.
I just got weighed and it was 1.15kg below the baseline. +/-1kg is acceptable, so it’s only 0.15kg below acceptable. Which is a pathetically tiny amount.
I have to be reweighed in a week but now i’m so worried. Like i don’t want to adjust anything for like a fifth of a pound. It’s stupid. Idk. I get that there has to be a line but to me that doesn’t really count as anything. It’s like well maybe i just breathed in fewer dust particles yesterday…
I know it seems weird to be upset that it went down but i don’t like it when it goes anywhere - up OR down - because i don’t want to have to eat more because what if i ate too much more and overshot. I know i could reevaluate but it’s all so anxiety-provoking and just arrrrrgggghhh
i don’t want to cheat but at the same time i do bc it seems stupid to count such a small amount so it doesnt seem like cheating so much as being sensibl about things. But if i cheat i would be worried where it would lead and about the web of lies it would get me into. Plus i dont want to go backwards. But i also dont feel able to go forwards. Oh ffs.
I guess just wait and see. I don’t like wait and see. I prefer see and do or see and panic.
My hair is sprouting little tufty bits. I look like a dandelion.
Crying my eyes out over Chummy’s mum dying :””””””(
About 20-22 minutes in, there is a triggering incident when Chummy arrives home to find her husband has brought her mother to their house. It lasts about 30 secs or so and isn’t graphic, just talked about.