problem loading posts

i’m trying to get  birthday present for my dad from amazon and one of the things is an add-on item and you have to spend £10 total to get it… i’ve spent £9.38 So now i have to find some way to spend 62p or think up some other thing i ‘need’ e.g. a book i’m thinking….

Edit: oops, i bought another book Luckily there was a book i ‘needed’. What? Books are necessary…

my phone came back and it’s all fixed!! It would never update the software before, so now it’s all changed so much o.O but it’s good. It’s really good.

All my stuff was wiped off, so i have to set it all up again, but i’m getting there.

I can’t believe i never owned a camera until i got this phone, and now i was actually starting to feel kind of naked without it!!

my laptop seems to be jealous though. It’s dying a slow, noisy, jerky kind of death… oh boy.

suddenly there are so many things to do — the majority involving people — i can’t deal with all this. My head is going to burst. fucking fuck


my hair’s suddenly gone a totally different texture. It’s actually much nicer and thicker and idk just better. like literally overnight, it happened a couple of weeks ago, and it’s stayed like that. This would be a good thing if i did not have a face like Quasi Modo’s.

Self beliefs and facts

I see myself as hideous. To me that is a fact.

But apparently it’s a belief.

How come i SEE it then?

I think it’s like how when a new fashion comes out, or a new ‘look’ is admired, at first, it looks odd to us. There’s a period of adjustment where we have to sort of retrain ourselves to see it as beautiful. And after a while, it becomes a ‘fact’. We see it and it seems obviously beautiful. There’s no effort any more. There’s no strangeness to the idea. We adjust. But the ‘fact’ is that three months earlier, we saw that same thing very differently. six months ago we would have laughed at it!

There’s a little more subtlety to my BDD. The belief is that no matter HOW i look, i am repulsive. It’s like as soon as something is associated with  me, it’s contaminated. Like if a model’s body that i saw as perfect was somehow transplanted onto my head, once it was mine, i would suddenly find great big flaws with it. (I’ve actually tried imagining famous people’s bodies as being my own, and suddenly i’m aware of all these flaws!! But only when they’re mine do the flaws ‘count’.)

Nonetheless, no matter how factual a belief seems, it is still a belief. It’s simply that i have trained myself so well that the process bypasses my conscious awareness now. But beliefs CAN be changed. There is hope.

And there are many people with disfigurements and injuries who others judge unkindly and call ugly or hideous who nevertheless come to a place where they can feel ok with themselves and good about themselves and don’t swallow the bullshit that they ARE repulsive. It’s the association of appearance with shame that matters. It’s an artificial association. It’s a belief. It’s learnt. Babies don’t have it. Therefore it is changeable.

This is garbly and unfocused but oh well.

Influence of Advertising

i just had a really helpful chat with my mum about advertising and the media.

We were talking about how there seems to be levels of intention and effects of media. Advertising is ostensibly about selling you a product, and you think well, i’m not that stupid. I can see through that. I don’t believe (e.g.) Coca Cola makes me young and sexy and fun. I’m discerning. I won’t be taken in that easily.

But i was reading these interviews where people talked about how adverts influence them, and they often talked about how they weren’t influenced but how ‘other people’ might think xyz. And that to me seems quite a clever ploy on the part of the advertiser.

It’s like well, I don’t care, but maybe other people do. And if they do, then they will all be doing this. So if i want to fit in, I need to do it too.

And beyond the obvious selling a particular product or brand, there’s a deeper level where they’re selling a feeling or a concept or introducing an insecurity. ‘This is how everyone should be. This is how people will expect you to be. This is what other people are doing, thinking, buying, using, looking like, looking at, feeling… so if you want to be part of it, if you want to be liked… you need to do/be/own certain things.’ or ‘Do you have this problem (*introduces problem/defect/deficiency/inadequacy you weren’t aware of or feel insecure about*? Well, obviously [since this is in the public arena - i.e. our ad] other people are aware of it and think it’s shameful or bad, but don’t worry. It’s fixable. You just need to use/do/own xyz.’ It’s not so much a particular brand as a particular set of products: creams for ageing, diet products, stuff to make your teeth whiter… etc.

And it goes beyond products and takes on a life of its own. We believe in a concept of popularity and coolness. We see it and think that’s what the other people are doing. And we perpetuate that because we adopt the cool ways of talking, clothes, styles, brands, etc. Because we believe in it, so we do it to fit in, and so does everyone else. We’re the other people to them and they’re the other people to us and really we’re all just afraid of other people. And there ARE no other people really. It’s just people afraid not to do something IN CASE other people do. So everyone ends up doing it and CREATING those other people!!!!

It’s self-fulfilling.

I’m not sure I’m putting this across very articulately, but yeah. Maybe this is all bleeding obvious (or wrong haha) but whatever. It helps me, so idgaf.

autoplay is so fucking annoying. I always seem to open blogs with really loud autoplay at like 4am and i can never find the tab it’s coming from until i’ve woken up everyone in a six mile radius.



Pretty much all i’ve done for the last few days is watch Grange Hill on youtube!

Good. That’s all you ever need to do with your life. Let all other things pale in comparison to the almighty Grange. Join us.

haha what other things??!!