How BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) feels…
TRIGGER WARNINGS: body image, hair, genetalia, general gross imagery.
Went to a restaurant with my parents and all the way there it was raining. I knew my hair was bad, so I went in the toilet to look - which is how bad it was coz it takes a lot to get me to look in a mirror.
I put my hair up, but I just HAD to get home. But then I had to sit through the whole meal while my mum was eating so s…l…o…w…l…y. Like that whole restaurant-eating thing where she daintily spears like 3 peas at a time on the back of her fork. And then she was trying to pile up this gooey mashed whatever-the-fuck on the BACK of the fork, because it’s too un-posh to turn the fork over, even if the goo is falling through the frickin progs. O…M…F…G!! JUST TURN THE FRICKIN FORK OVER AND SHOVEL IT UP ALREADY!!
When my hair gets out of safe-mode, I just have to be AWAY, but then even getting home isn’t much relief because the real point is that it happened at all. Which means it CAN happen. Which means my hairstyle therefore is not foolproof and therefore not safe.
Which means I am not safe.
I was trying to explain to my mum and she was like, but nothing’s happening to you. You are safe. But words are really quite accurate and completely inadequate for describing this kind of thing. When I say unsafe, it’s the sort of unsafe where I feel completely exposed. Completely seen. In a really intrusive, violating way. I feel obscenely repulsive and disgusting. I feel like the most revealing, disgusting, tastelessly pornographic pile of genetalia covered in maggots and pus.
I know in reality it has nothing to do with my hair. I’ve somehow linked the feeling of violation with having ‘bad’ hair. But I can’t unlink it. And it feels like frickin HELL.
I just want to stand completely still, not moving or breathing, and stop existing. So that I don’t have to be aware of how this feels. It feels like having my skin ripped off and then having to live in an atmosphere of acid vapour.
If anyone still think this has shit to do with vanity, well, just fuck off. Seriously. I just don’t even have a spare fuck to give you.