Day 19. What scares you most about recovery?
That I will THINK I’m OK and wake up one day to realise I’m deluding myself and that I never actually had BDD, I actually was simply that disgusting, so recovery was the delusion and I’m STILL repulsive but having thought I was ‘recovered’, I’d been walking around as if I wasn’t disgusting and not doing anything to even try to temper or disguise it. Kind of like the feeling when you get home and realise you had your skirt tucked in your knickers all day or that you have a huge zit or a big chunk of something in your teeth, only times a bazillion!
From my ED:
Getting my period - I don’t mind any part of it except bloating, which is something I find almost impossible to tolerate;
having an even more repulsive shape in certain BDD-problem areas;
similar to BDD - that I’ll wake up one day and realise I’m not really recovered,and realise I’ve actually been walking around looking gross and not even realised. And that then I won’t be able to stand it any more, but I’ll have to weight for months to get the weight back off me;
that my metabolism is actually gonna always be this shit;
that I’ll still have CFIDS and that eating and weighing more will have done nothing to improve the way I feel physically. In other words, I’ll find out that physically, it actually doesn’t get any better than it is right now, which would suck.