Hooray!

nobody stomped on my eye pencil!!

it just arrived

in a box

in a packet

in the correct colour

intact

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnd

it

works

that awkward moment when you decide to finally ask for help and your friend thinks you’re joking because it’s more plausible than your being vulnerable for once

to-do list from hell

¤ plan what to ask for at hairdresser on Thursday
¤ also, go to hairdresser (NOooOoOOooooo!)
¤ orthodontist (go to, hate, get poked by some kind of sword/spear/kebab skewer, bleed because ‘you don’t floss enough’ etc)
¤ make video for someone (icannotdothisomfg) (include time for multiple panic attacks)
¤ write letter

So a miracle just happened…

…i have literally never ever had a good hair DAY…

but…

just now, i actually spent around twenty seconds in front of the mirror (which is a fucking miracle right there) thinking that my hair looked pretty good

O.O

i know

idk what happened

who cares though?

IT HAPPENED!!

the continuing saga of my eyeliner

so it turns out i actually ordered a WHITE pencil because i am so dumb i did not even think to select a colour

and that is why people step on my eyeliner pencils

i am not to be trusted around makeup

so i bought a new mac eyeliner pencil

my very first decent makeup item

i opened the box

and this is what was inside

it’s like somebody stamped on it

wtf?

could you not just have trodden on my face? it wouldn’t have made any difference to how i look but it would have saved me £12 and the bother of exchanging the pencil

i can fix my teeth with braces so why can’t i get a full face-and-body brace and fix my ugly? it’s 2013 this is an outrage

And a big warm hearty welcome back toooooo…… the Body Image From Hell

With special guest star My Face Is A Reject Gollum Design

Wtf is wrong with my skin???

It’s gone all weird and flaky all over my body like it’s got sunburn and is all coming off. I’ve been using really strong moisturiser but it makes no difference. Ugh i feel disgusting enough but this is a whole new level of gross :$

Insights - part 2

I find it very surprising that I have no memories of being weighed or of worrying about weight gain during my first ip admission. I must have been weighed, but I don’t remember it.

I do remember them wanting me to be 14 pounds heavier than I should have been ‘because she’ll just go home and lose it all, so she needs a safety buffer’!!!! I remember crying and being suicidal over that.

But most of my memories are of obsessing with my hair. The way they actually ‘persuaded’ me to eat was by not allowing me to wash my hair, which to me was worse than getting fat.

It surprises me that my BDD wasn’t diagnosed until several years later. It is actually my primary diagnosis, with anorexic behaviours as a symptom. 

I also remember asking for a meal plan. I was given a list of food groups. I asked for help in spreading the calories and food groups through the day. I was ignored.

That makes me mad. I know that I was much more amenable to help with my eating behaviours at that point. I actually WANTED help.

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Something i think would help with mental illness awareness…

…and with earlier intervention amd better coping skills is to teach emotional awareness and regulation skills, such as cbt/dbt, in schools. Also teach students where and how to seek help and recognise and deal with general signs of emotional distress in themselves and others.

Insights from journalling

I just realised i have no memories of being weighed or of weight gain during my first ip admission. Rather, i have very strong memories of feeling dirty due to my shape, and of BDD with my hair becoming overwhelming. My ‘ED’ weightloss was actually just a symptom of my BDD, not the other way around, and it makes me mad that no one listened to that.

The reason I want my body to look a particular way is because i have this idea that it will make me loveable to this abstract mother figure. I often project this mother onto particular people, usually authority figures of some sort, but when i do get their affection, it never feels enough or like what i actually wanted.

I feel confused about where this comes from. I felt my mother was emotionally absent, and i would often have the thought ‘i want my mum’ when she was right there, because it felt like she wasn’t present.

But i also wonder if it is partly a longing to be loved by my father. Maybe i was confused about that need for affection from a man because i associate men with cruelty and mocking and humiliation, so maybe what i perceived as wanting a mother was actually a yearning for a father.

I remember one time seeing a book about eating disorders and ‘father hunger’ (Actually, i think that may be the title). I thought it was hokey because i thought who wants a father? But i am beginning to realise lately that i really do. I am gonna try to get that book. It might be interesting.