Ironically, the best and worst part of chronic illness is hope.

It pisses me off when doctors, etc. dismiss things as psychogenic just because they haven’t discovered the cause yet.

In the olden days, epilepsy was attributed to ‘hysteria’.

I am SO looking forward to the day when they find the definitive cause of CFS/ME. Ditto fibromyalgia. I am waiting to laugh in the face of all those people who say it’s in the mind.

I HATE having CFS.

I’m not especially depressed, but being physically ill affects you mentally, and in the end, you can’t tell the difference.

I want to do something that’s not mindless, but I simply do not have the energy to cope with even the tiniest effort of creativity.

I feel like my life is nothing. I sleep so much, I may as well be in a coma, fed through a tube.

I may as well be dead because I don’t live, I simply exist.

It’s depressing to think that the rest of my life will be a series of half-days doing nothing and waiting for nothing. Animals like this get put to sleep.

I don’t want to be dead, but I may as well be. It’s torture having to exist and be unable to live.

This afternoon, I was ill, so I went to bed, and when I woke up, I thought it was Christmas morning.

I started having a shower and getting ready and whatnot, and then my mum came upstairs and asked if I was OK. I nearly screamed. I didn’t know she was awake.

I wished her a merry Christmas and asked how come she was up and dressed so early.

At this point, she realised what I was thinking and told me it was early evening and still Christmas Eve.

Huh.

Colour me confused.

Why can’t I act like a real person? I act like a robot.

I only say and think things that comply with a bunch of stupid rules in my head designed to please people. But they don’t make me please people, they just make me fake.

I hate talking. The harder I try, the worse it gets.

I am such a big fake. But there is nothing underneath any more.

I want to be the me I am under the me I was before I was the me I am now.

Should I have the flu injection?

My mum really wants me too, but every single year when I have it, I feel like shit for a few months. I really don’t want that again.

But there’s all this stuff on the news about how everyone ‘vulnerable’ is 11 times more likely to die… IDK.

I just have this feeling it’s one of those CFS ME intolerence to meds things. Has anyone else with CFS or fibro had the flu injection? What do you think?

Warning: miserable and depressing - you have been warned!

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Fibro fun

SO I need a new laptop coz this one is going insane, but they don’t make these anymore. So before I send it back to Amazon for an exchange, so we have to go to the shops and find one I want to change it for. I need to try out the keyboard because so far, I’ve never had any other keyboard but this one that I can use without unbearable pain and cramps in my arms, etc.

So my dad gave me a pile of pennies and we counted how many it took to depress a key. 19 pennies - so my dad cut a piece of metal the same weight because I don’t think piling 19p on top of a key on each laptop is gonna be all that easy.

Now we’re going to the shops to find one with similar-style keys, and we can check with our metal weight to make sure they require no more pressure to operate than my present keys.

My dad is a genius!

Fingers crossed it will work. So often, I try things out in a shop and they seem fine,  but they turn out to hurt like hell when I use them for real… We’ll see. *GULPS* A laptop is a pretty expensive mistake to make… Wish me luck!

For everyone who has been wondering what I look like…