that awkward moment when you decide to finally ask for help and your friend thinks you’re joking because it’s more plausible than your being vulnerable for once
this mealplan won’t help unless i can stick to mealtimes and stop chugging hot water
but i can’t
i’m scared to eat until late in case i run out of calories
and as ridiculous as it sounds, the water feels like an addiction. if i don’t have it, i get so mad and twitchy.
every day i promise myself tomorrow will be different… but it never is
my stomach hurts so much i can hardly move. it’s stupid. i am shooting myself in the foot.
…about new mealplan because i’m still having some symptoms. I still have to come off my tablets etc and i’ve only been on the food plan a day and a half… but there are still a few foods i eat that “may be a problem”, and i’m terrified i’ll have to eliminate them to find out.
It’s not so much eliminating them as putting them back in that worries me. I know if i’m honest i tend to underestimate the calories when i swap foods in, so i’m scared my weight will creep down.
I don’t want to be weighed till i stabilize my diet coz otherwise i’ll be freaking out whenever anything changes. It’s not sensible to try to adjust my weight when i’m still adjusting the mealplan.
But the idea of getting to the end and then finding out i dropped xx pounds is horrifying because i honestly don’t know if i could bring myself to put them back on. Truth be told, i would actually be delighted (or my ED would) and it’s hard enough to be so huge. I don’t know if i could stand the thought of being this size again once i’d gone down.
It’s 2 or 3 weeks till my dietitian aptmt. Ugh. I can’t stop panicking about this.
I felt like i was gonna fall over.
This morning i am paying heavily. It took half an hour to move when i woke up. I felt paralysed.
But i am proud of myself for yesterday. It was the last new meal preparation and today is the first day my entire diet will be FODMAPS free.
It was really stressful yesterday worrying if i had mistakes in the calorie exchanges and whatnot but whatever. I’m actually too exhausted to even care any more, so i guess that works out pretty well, really.
i’ll take chocolate with a side order of chocolate, thanks
It’s gone all weird and flaky all over my body like it’s got sunburn and is all coming off. I’ve been using really strong moisturiser but it makes no difference. Ugh i feel disgusting enough but this is a whole new level of gross :$
how do i uninstall anorexia?
Worked out the calories i eat per day and it upset me. Trying not to dwell
Also, so many people are into the whole clean eating and vegan thing. I can’t even be vegetarian. There is so little i can eat. And i KNOW that but still. Sometimes the peer pressure gets to me and i feel like a shitty person already, from an ethical perspective, not to mention i know meat is full of idek what rubbish.
I seriously don’t have the energy to be fastidious about every single thing i buy. Nor would it be healthy mentally. I’ve been very ‘orthorexic’ in the past and i know how lethal that cen very quickly become.
But idk. I wish i could eat more conventionally healthy things. My diet is healthy for me but idk. I want to be ‘cleaner’ when i hear so many people on about it all.
Then again, i want to be alive and i am SO beyond sick of eating disorders. There is more to life than macronutrients and dried cranberries and whatever. At least know what is healthy for my body.
I find it very surprising that I have no memories of being weighed or of worrying about weight gain during my first ip admission. I must have been weighed, but I don’t remember it.
I do remember them wanting me to be 14 pounds heavier than I should have been ‘because she’ll just go home and lose it all, so she needs a safety buffer’!!!! I remember crying and being suicidal over that.
But most of my memories are of obsessing with my hair. The way they actually ‘persuaded’ me to eat was by not allowing me to wash my hair, which to me was worse than getting fat.
It surprises me that my BDD wasn’t diagnosed until several years later. It is actually my primary diagnosis, with anorexic behaviours as a symptom.
I also remember asking for a meal plan. I was given a list of food groups. I asked for help in spreading the calories and food groups through the day. I was ignored.
That makes me mad. I know that I was much more amenable to help with my eating behaviours at that point. I actually WANTED help.