The view from here. #inbedagain #sickofthis #chronicillness #chronicfatiguesyndrome #chronicpainawareness #cfids #cfsme #invisibleillness #fibromyalgia #fibro #bed #bedroom #inbed #blankets #sick #ill #fedup
I don’t think many people realise how frightening CFIDS can be
Unless you have suffered this level of fatigue, you don’t realise it is even possible to feel this bad from it. There are many many days when I wonder if I will ever be able to move again, and many times when I honestly wonder if I am going to die.
I often feel it would actually be a blessing if I did because it’s such an active kind of exhaustion. It’s not that bone tired floppy feeling you get when you’re regular exhausted. It’s not relieved by flopping in a chair or lying in bed for longer.
It actually feels like the energy is being dragged out of your body. Lying down or sleeping have no effect whatsoever. You feel like even when you are stationary and horizontal, you are expending as much energy as if you were running hard on a treadmill. You feel like screaming, “I NEED TO STOP!”, but you aren’t moving. You can’t stop. It just keeps dragging you down and down like someone is yanking the energy from your body with a violent force.
It sounds dramatic to people who have never felt this. But if you have, I know you will understand what I mean.
i need to go to bed but it’s too far away so i will just wait here until teleporting is invented
exhausted from yesterday
going back to bed
on the plus side i made stir fry with olives in, which i can’ wait to try
yum
Spent all afternoon preparing food yeaterday
I felt like i was gonna fall over.
This morning i am paying heavily. It took half an hour to move when i woke up. I felt paralysed.
But i am proud of myself for yesterday. It was the last new meal preparation and today is the first day my entire diet will be FODMAPS free.
It was really stressful yesterday worrying if i had mistakes in the calorie exchanges and whatnot but whatever. I’m actually too exhausted to even care any more, so i guess that works out pretty well, really.
i’m so worn out and i keep having the thought that death would be such a relief. i need to remind myself that it wouldn’t be because you can’t feel relief when you’re dead. You can’t feel anything. But that’s a hard concept and honestly it still feels like it would be a relief.
I don’t intend acting on it but idk i’ve just had enough and i’m so incredibly tired.
Just venting. Don’t worry.
Wtf is wrong with my skin???
It’s gone all weird and flaky all over my body like it’s got sunburn and is all coming off. I’ve been using really strong moisturiser but it makes no difference. Ugh i feel disgusting enough but this is a whole new level of gross :$
oh good lord
i have to cut up a load of food today from the supermarket delivery so i can freeze it, then i have to make two giant ‘stir fries’ to freeze (air quotes there because they’re not actually fried at all, just a bunch of stuff mixed together. Pseudo-stir-fry). Oh, god help me. I don’t even have the energy to get dressed.
Fuck.
Also, why does ‘stir fries’ look wrong as the plural of ‘stir fry’? ‘Stir frys’ looks way better.
I shall be a rebel and cook stir FRYS hahaHAAAAAAAA for I am Satan, lord of frying, may all lesser friars bow before me and be sautéed.
oh god, i need help….
People keep growing up, changing, moving away, moving on, leaving. I don’t like it and i wish they would stop. This kind of thing never happens to me. I am the one who stays still amd watches. I’m like a startled sloth on a highway.
i need to go to the doctor
but i am too sick to get there and i will have to wait till i feel a bit better :$
this is called irony
I am secretly convinced that my problems are way worse than anyone else’s.
Like bitch please, you call that pain? You have no idea of the depth of my suffering…
Asexualitu - am I asexual? Not sure, not sure... your thoughts??
I know that being underweight can decrease your sexual desire, and being physically ill and exhausted can also have a dampening effect on your sex drive, so it’s possible these factors have some bearing, but I feel as if it is more than that.
I haven’t always been ill and I had fairly early puberty (age 9), and yet I have never felt even the tiniest bit of sexual attraction to anyone of either gender. I did force myself to kiss a boy once, but i felt nothing except grossed out and wishing it would just stop.
It doesn’t really matter to me what the label is, but I’m just kind of curious because the idea of never having to have sex feels quite freeing. I always thought I would at some point just have to suck it up (unfortunate metaphor LOL) if I wanted a relationship. But when I stumbled across the definition of asexuality, I discovered there are many other people who feel like me and it’s actually ok not to ever want sex and that doesn’t have to mean missing out on a relationship. It seems so obvious in retrospect, but it wasn’t.
It sort of shocks me how so many people are so unaccepting of asexuality. For some reason, not wanting sex is seen as freakish. Like people flat-out tell you that you will get over it or that there’s no such thing as asexuality or that you are frigid or controlling or mentally ill or need therapy or whatever the fuck. Like people just can’t stomach the idea of not being interested at all or even finding sex a huge turn off, if I can use that phrase in this context. They go on and on about how there is too much sexualising of everything, and yet they seem equally horrified if you’re NOT interested in sex.
I really do think I am asexual. I know physical illness can reduce your sex drive, but that implies there was something there to reduce. And I doubt very much it would reduce it to absolute zero even at those times when you are not all that sick.
I would welcome your thoughts and input. Anything at all. I’m interested in what other people think. I want to hear your ideas, whether you agree, disagree, are asexual yourself, or are any other sexual orientation (i hope that is the correct term - i am not very familiar with talking about sex and sexuality at all).
I may be completely mistaken. Perhaps being ill CAN make you completely uninterested to the point of finding the idea of sex abhorrent. Or maybe I have some kind of psyhological issue that repels me from sex. Or maybe it has something to do with my being autistic and simply not feeling emotionally mature enough to want sex. Idek. All ideas/experiences welcome.
PS please be nice. It is REALLY hard for me to talk about this. I am really shy talking about this sort of thing and this was hard for me to post and I may freak out in five minutes time and take it down and close my tumblr and cringe in a corner for the next sixteen years…
I think i have a spoon
Me: LET’S ROCK THIS BABY!
My body: Hahaha not really. Just kidding.
Pain fest
I have just got up. I have done absolutely nothing at all but get out of bed, and yet
¤ my hip feels like someone ground it into its socket;
¤ my thumb feels like someone is wrenching it off in a vice;
¤ my shoulder feels like someone swung me around in the air by my arm.
In other news OWWWWWWWWW!!! WTAF, BODY?!?!?!
O
V
E
R
W
H
E
L
M
E
D
O.o
