I messed up. Again

I did xxxx behaviour yesterday

which made the urges back to full-on

so I did it again today

and now i feel horrible and remember why i wanted to stop this in the first place

but i only want to stop until it’s ‘time’ to do it again

and then i want to do it more than i want to stop

and then right after THAT

I want to stop again

The trouble is that the time when I most NEED the want-to-stop feeling is the time when I have it LEAST.

This is the story of my fucking life.

I do things over and over

I want to stop

I don’t want it enough or at the right time

I plough on like a runaway train

until i hit the wall

and then i think FUCK why didn’t i stop BEFORE i did permanent damage

again

and

again

and

again

and

again

and…

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The whole ass-back-knees-apart thigh-gap-pose crap reminds me of a picture i saw in a textbook of kids with rickets.

Insight about refraining from behaviours

In treatment, you are made to separate your feelings from mealtimes. Like eat the meal, THEN deal with the feelings. There is no option of using behaviours to deal.

I think that is the difficulty and the key to stopping a behaviour by myself. I promise myself i won’t do it but then i have this urge and it’s like oh well this is overwhelming. I HAVE to do xyz.

But what i need to do is FEEL overwhelmed and be overwhelmed and then be overwhelmed and overwhelmed and overwhelmed…. but realise that it is still my CHOICE to use behaviours to relieve it.

I need to make behaviours not an option as a form of relief from the URGE TO DO behaviours.

Disclaimer: This shit is fucking difficult.

Five (?) days

and I’m still not doing the ‘behaviour’… but OMG I HATE THIS AND WHY DON’T I FELL BETTER? ARRGGGHHH!

A step in the right direction?

I’m proud of myself because at the dietitian i brought up the subject - in front of my MUM O.O - of possibly in future seeing an ed dietitian to discuss weight restoration. It was only hypothetical but the fact that i would even contemplate it is a major step.

All the recovery stuff on here and ig is changing my thoughts lately and making me entertain the idea that maybe it is NOT impossible for me to recover from my ed.

I’m nowhere near actually acting on it and it’s not urgent because i’ve maintained at this safe weight for ages. But for the first time ever i am questioning my certainty that i am the one exception who can’t fully recover and would never even try.

shame

The thing that strikes me most when reading what other people say in their posts is how many things they’re not ashamed of.

It’s a shock to hear someone casually mention something that i feel so deeply ashamed of that i would sooner destroy myself than admit to it, and yet to them, it’s not even some big confession - it’s just a passing reference.

Yet when i hear THEM say it, I never think THEY should be ashamed. And sometimes this is enough to break the spell and get rid of my own shame about whatever it is.

Often though, it feels like it’s different when it’s about me - like body weight, it becomes disgusting just by its association with me. It’s acceptable for you to do/be this, because you are a ‘clean’ person. But not for me because i have already maxed out my disgustingness allowance.

day 4 no behaviour

i can’t fucking do this omg

i’m running through reasons in my head why i should make an exception and let myself off the hook. Like well I don’t feel well today so it’s not a good day for giving up behaviours. I’ll feel better if i just do it one more time. It’s unrealistic to go cold turkey - maybe i should cut down gradually instead… etc etc etc

if i was in treatment i would have to go cold turkey. I think what makes it harder is knowing i don’t have anyone but myself to answer to, knowing i do have an option. no one is enforcing anything on me.

How can i still be so physically craving something after 4 days? I feel like my whole body is screaming for me to do it. It’s not even sane. It’s not a physically addictive behaviour. This is entirely a psychological addiction. But it feels completely physical.

This has to end at some point and it certainly won’t if I keep giving in, but WHEN ffs???

unpopular opinion

imo the media do not cause EDs per se but they definitely add a lot of fuel to the fire and make it harder to recover, because they make what we have to strive for in recovery socially unacceptable