i am SO over that person, i say, right before i go back for more.

i suddenly feel crushingly alone

my best friend is a bazillion miles away and i put insurmountable walls up btw me and everyone else

How do you actually connect to someone? Like i talk to people, but there is always a wall. It’s me who puts it there, but I don’t know i’m doing it. I just know i can’t get through it.

if i ever ask for help i’m like I need help but it’s OK coz I’m actually fine and here’s what i should do and thank you so much for listening and sorry to bother you and you’ll never hear from me again and omg i’m such a nuisance *cringes, dies of shame, hides for six weeks, and never speaks to that person again*

I hate myself but when someone else hates me i oscillate between oh god you’re so right i’m a total cunt and fuck off what the hell would you know asshole

Compression => depression

In my family, you are not allowed certain emotions: disappointment, sadness, frustration, anger, indignance, etc. - basically, anything that makes my parents feel guilty or ashamed, which are synonyms in our house.

I feel like half a person. I don’t let myself have those feelings, but they come anyway, and then I get really mad. I didn’t know why, but now I realise it’s because I’m not allowed to express them.

I feel loved only if I am a certain way. Only if I have no bad emotions or behaviour.

So I compress those things inside me; is it any wonder I get depressed.

My mum always has to ‘fix’ people. You can’t be depressed. If you are, she gets angry. I know it’s because she’s afraid, but idec. I should but i can’t.

And so I am always ‘nice’. It’s sickening and sickly. And I always try to make people feel better and fix things before i even allow them to actually feel what they feel.

I hate myself for that.

I feel disconnected from everyone including myself. People like niceness to a degree but how can anyone be friends with me when all i show them is a tidied-up version.

I don’t know how to be real with people. I’m not even real with myself. I squash those things so hard that i rarely know they are even there.

It feels wrong to show people my bad side like who wants people to see their mean or jealous or unreasonable (or whatever) thoughts? What if they hate me as much as i do? What if certain things happen all over again?

But how in the hell do you find a balance???

that moment when you say you can talk to me whenever you want and someone takes you up on it and you’re like wtf do i say to this person i am the worst possible person they could choose to talk to omg

To a certain person:

Don’t muscle in on my arguments.

Don’t try and humiliate me.

I hate you.

I hate the way you take every opportunity to jump in and humiliate me.

I hate the way you enjoy inflicting pain and shame.

Fuck you and I wish you all the bad karma you have coming. I hope it makes YOU squirm with shame. And the difference is, you deserve it.

When someone hurts me, I just want to apologise and apologise and apologise.

I get obsessed with people I’m afraid of. It’s like I have to keep putting myself in danger to prove to myself I can handle it or something.

And I think I also want to make them like me, even though I don’t even actually like them.

Childhood shit. :/

The four minute rule

Something useful i got from Dr Phil:

For the first four minutes you’re first in someone’s company, try to make an effort  to make them feel they matter, to make the atmosphere nice, to make them feel good about themself.

Apparently, it’s those first four minutes that will set the tone for the rest of your time together on that occasion.

If you have something difficult to talk to them about, or if you want to confront them, or ask for something, or whatever, just hold it off for those first four minutes and it will go a lot smoother. The good tone of that first crucial period will stay with them and help you both feel benevolent towards each other and things will go much better.

If you can, get the other person to agree to this rule too, but even if it’s only you who knows, it still has a good effect on your interactions with people and will put things on a better footing.

I’m trying it with my mum (who I am often a total bitch to) and it’s helping.

Something happened to me a few years ago which i don’t want to go into, but it has made me unable to say certain affectionate words to people. I have a really hard time calling anyone an affectionate term. It took me several years to even be able to write xx or <3 on a message or email. I force myself to deliberately, but every single time, I feel really uncomfortable and ashamed and a lot of other irrational things.

I am afraid they will think I am skin-crawlingly disgusting, or that I am hitting on them, or that I am something worse than words can describe.

I want to let people know, but that would just sound even weirder. But I feel like people I care about don’t realise what they mean to me because when they are affectionate towards me, I am unable to properly recipricate and I probably seem really cold.

I try to get around the problem by using smilies and certain almost-affectionate, slightly ambiguous terms and hoping they convey enough, but I always worry that people notice this and feel hurt, rejected, or unvalued.

I wish I could change this, but right now, I can’t.

Why can’t I act like a real person? I act like a robot.

I only say and think things that comply with a bunch of stupid rules in my head designed to please people. But they don’t make me please people, they just make me fake.

I hate talking. The harder I try, the worse it gets.

I am such a big fake. But there is nothing underneath any more.