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I hate myself but when someone else hates me i oscillate between oh god you’re so right i’m a total cunt and fuck off what the hell would you know asshole

I feel like I am too much. I comment on too many people’s posts and they probably think ‘oh, not YOU again. Go away, creep.’ Or maybe that is just what I think of myself. I really can’t tell.

Reasons I don’t ask for support:

  • your problems are pathetic. So many people have it so much worse.
  • Your friends just did something to cheer you up. Being miserable again is ungrateful and hurtful.
  • It’s too hard to explain the problem.
  • I don’t know how to accept help other than to pretend to be immediately cured and happy so they don’t feel unappreciated for trying to help me.
  • No one wants to be friends with a depressing misery.
  • Everyone has their own problems. Don’t be so selfish.
  • I can’t take from people when I know I can’t be a reliable friend in return. How can I expect people to be there for me when I can’t reciprocate reliably?

And this, in a nutshell, is why I am never a real person. I’m a fake. I never let people know me. I don’t even know how to. I only know how to hear the voice in my head telling me how it thinks they want me to be. It jumps in so fast, there is no chance even to know what I would be without it. Maaybe there is no me left anymore.

I want to do something angry to myself, like binge, cut, IDK.

I don’t do any of those things, but right now, I can see the attraction.

Starving lacks an immediate violence, and sometimes that is what I need. 

I’m too tired anyway, so I’ll just lie in bed  and try not to listen to my head. I am not looking forward to waking up tomorrow.

So I had a row with my mum, and as usual she recruited my dad to her side. I’m always the one who has to run away out of shame.

I am upstairs in my room with my phone for company, hating myself and feeling like shit. 

Yesterday, someone said I can come to them when I need someone, but the trouble is, when I most need someone, that is exactlythe time when I am least able to ask.

So instead, I will sit here hating myself more and more and listening  to them taling about what a selfish spoilt bitch I am. I hate myself so much and they would be pleasd to know that because, according to them, I deserve it.

I don’t see myself ever having a real friend, because I can’t let people in at the times I most need them.

I miss my cat.

betweenhimandme:

Remember that what will make you happy is freedom; freedom from numbers and fear of those numbers increasing. Positive self-affirmations are cheesy, they are cliche, but they work; keep telling yourself you’re beautiful in every way possible, even when your mood is low, and slowly learn to believe it. As long as you want recovery, as long as you want to be normal and healthy and happy and free, then it can and will happen. Stay strong, always.

(via fyoured)

I hate this fetid shitty society that makes me want to kill myself because I know I can never look the right way so as not to disgust people.

HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF DURING A BAD BODY IMAGE DAY:

internal-acceptance-movement:

1. Recognize that fat isn’t a feeling.

There are always underlying emotions that we attach to feeling fat. When the “I feel fat” thoughts start up, try to identify what you’re feeling underneath the body dissatisfaction. Are you feeling lonely? Anxious? Invisible? Scared? Ashamed? Inadequate? Whatever the feelings are recognize that they are separate from your body. 

2. Treat yourself as you would a friend.

Because it’s difficult to be kind to ourselves in the moment when the body hating thoughts take over, try responding to your thoughts as if you were supporting a friend. What would you say to someone you loved who was battling your same struggle with body image?

You wouldn’t tell them to not eat for the day in order to compensate for what they ate the previous night. You wouldn’t tell them to punish themselves for their body size through over-exercise, self-harm, or abusive eating habits. You wouldn’t tell them they were worthless or unloveable because of their weight. So why do you tell yourself these things? Break the cycle and start treating yourself like a friend—you deserve that kindness and love from everyone, especially yourself. 

3. Recognize that you are so much more than the size of your body. 

What you look like does not define you. It doesn’t discount your worth as a human being. You are so much more than a number on the scale. As a living, breathing, feeling human being you have inherent value. You are special and important and loved. You exist and therefore you matter.

Your appearance is such a small part of who you are, and it certainly doesn’t warrant enough power to discount the person you are inside. You aren’t your body or your weight—you are your goals and dreams and passions and values. You are your strengths and talents and insight. You are a soul and a spirit and a force of nature. Your body does not define you. 

4. Shift your focus from the external to the internal.

Make a list of all the people you look up to and are inspired by—not because of their weight or appearance, but because of who they are and what they do. Write out all the qualities they have that make you appreciate and value them.

Use the list as a reminder that it’s the internal things—our dreams and passions and goals and morals and insight and character—that truly define who we are and draw people to us; not how we look.

You are no exception to this. Try making your own list of things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with appearance or body size. If you have a difficult time creating one, ask some friends and family to help you. 

5. Think about what you want to be remembered for after you die.

I don’t want people to remember me for what I looked like, what size jeans I wore, or what I weighed. I want to be remembered for the person I am. I want to be remembered as someone who brought about positive change in the world. I want to be remembered as loving friend, partner, and family member. I want to be remembered for my passions and my creativity and my strength. I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference. What do you want your legacy to be? Chances are, it doesn’t have to do with weight.

6. Instead of focusing on the size of your body, start focusing on what your body allows you to do. 

The human body is an incredible force. When we get caught up in the number on the scale and size of clothes however, we forget just how lucky we are to have a fully functioning vehicle to engage in life with. So stop hating your body for the way it looks and start acknowledging and appreciating your body for all that it allows you to do.

Make a list of each activity and feat your body helps you to partake in and accomplish. If you want to be even more specific, list out each body part and describe all the things you wouldn’t be able to do without it. Your body is strong, powerful, and beautiful, regardless of it’s size. Choose to treat it with love, compassion, and gratitude instead of hate and judgement. 

7. Challenge your negative thoughts.

You may not be able to change the way you feel about your body today, tomorrow, or a month from now, but you can begin the process by challenging the thoughts in the moment. Write out a dialogue between your negative voice and a healthy voice. If you have a hard time coming up with positive counters to the negative thoughts, pretend that you are speaking positively about a friend or loved one.

Even if you don’t believe the things you say to counter the voice, it’s still important to speak out against it, because each time you argue with the thoughts, you are taking away some of their power and reclaiming your own. The more you challenge the thoughts, the less you will believe them. The more you argue back, the easier fighting the voice will become. 

9. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

There is a lot of built up energy and emotion underlying the way we feel about our bodies. Holding in how we feel or engaging in behaviors to numb out may make us feel better in the moment, but in the long run, it doesn’t remedy the pain we feel. It doesn’t make us feel better and it keeps us stuck.  

Releasing the energy and painful emotions underlying our body shame requires us to feel our feelings. Whether that means throwing a tantrum on the floor, venting to a friend on the phone, punching a pillow, screaming in your car, or crying in bed, you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Let go of the judgement you have about what you feel and recognize that you are feeling these things for a reason. Give yourself permission to release your emotions and let everything out. 

10. Do self care.

When you’re struggling with body image, distract yourself with healthy coping mechanisms. Take a bubble bath, get a message, ask for a back scratch, cuddle with a pet, make plans with a supportive friend, watch your favorite movie, get a manicure, listening to calming music, do deep breathing—whatever it is, make sure it’s something self-soothing and helps you get out of your head.

11. Be kind with yourself.

You may not be able to control the way you feel about your body, but you can control what you do in response to how you feel.

Instead of beating yourself up, you can choose to treat yourself with compassion. Instead of engaging in unhealthy and abusive behaviors, you can choose to do self-care. Instead of treating your body as an enemy, you can choose to treat it as a friend. Instead of isolating yourself, you can choose to reach out for support and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel loved and accepted. Instead of agreeing with the negative thoughts, you can choose to challenge them. 

***You have more power than you think—don’t let the way you feel about your body keep you from living.

Coping with bad body image days may not be easy, but it is possible.

Don’t give up.

You aren’t alone.

Things can and will get better.

(via stophatingyourbody)