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You are all in so much pain and I care so much and it kills me that I can’t make it go away but i want you to know that i am here and i care and i am thinking of you and in that way at least, you are not alone

My self esteem would be just fine if only all the people would go away.

Sitting in front of the mirror at the hairdresser’s today was a REAL struggle. It was very hard not to burst into tears and run away.

I kept saying all the positive reassuring things I knew I should say, and I managed to calm down enough to sit there, but what upset me most of all was how being underweight has made me so much uglier.

When people lose weight, they often get this look around their mouth area. I think when you lose the fat from your face, it goes all sunken and it makes your mouth kind of obtrusive and prominent. It looks like you have a golf ball in your mouth.

That’s how I look. I honestly look deformed. I look like I have some kind of weird condition. I look like a freak tbh. I’m not even very much underweight, but the lack of weight always shows in my face. I’m just built that way, I suppose. And I look so ugly.

Afterwards, I felt like crying. I am just so frustrated with myself. I looked around at all the ‘normal’ people who don’t restrict what they eat all the time and they look so much prettier BECAUSE they don’t look stupidly gaunt.

I so so SO much want to be healthier and LOOK healthy and prettier. I know I would look prettier. That’s the stupid part. I WOULD LOOK BETTER if I was heavier. But I just can’t deal with the physicality of having a body that size. I can barely even deal with it being this size. I would lose this at the drop of a hat if it weren’t for the threat of hospital again.

It’s insane. I am insane. I hate it I FUCKING HATE IT! If I could double caps-lock that I would because I feel like fucking SCREAMING.

I hate this fucking illness more than I can ever express in words.

Yesterday, someone left a comment on Lily’s video saying that people with cancer would cut off their arm to be able to ‘fight for recovery’ and that she’s lucky she has a ‘choice’. REALLY??? Are you fucking KIDDING ME???????

Apart from the sicko aspect of why would you fucking shame someone for a fucking ILLNESS? I mean mental illness is in the brain which is in the body which is physical so STFU about it’s different and it’s a choice. Apart from THAT and the fact that mental illness is shaming enough without your fucking help… apart from all of THAT, WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT AN ILLNESS WHERE EVEN RECOVERING IS NOT A GIVEN AND YOU HAVE TO FIGHT YOUR BRAIN’S INSTINCT TO KILL YOU EVEN WHEN YOU ARE COMPLETELY AGAINST THE IDEA AND WOULD GIVE YOUR OWN RIGHT ARM TO STOP HAVING TO FIGHT YOUR OWN INSTINCT TO KILL YOURSELF? AND THEN PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A FUCKING CRIMINAL AND GUILTY FOR HAVING A FUCKING ILLNESS. WTAF????

Not to mention (and I only turned off the caps lock there coz it’s annoying, but I AM STILL YELLING) the fact that you hate yourself no matter what you do. You want to die and crawl out of your own skin, as Lily so eloquently put it. You feel disgusting and wrong and like dying when you try to recover, but the illness makes you do things to yourself that make you into the very things you wanted to avoid - looking and feeling like a disgusting piece of shit.

I don’t even know.

Fuck this fucking fucking FUCKING ILLNESS. I don’t know what to do with myself any more. I feel completely trapped no matter which way I turn.

I feel like I am too much. I comment on too many people’s posts and they probably think ‘oh, not YOU again. Go away, creep.’ Or maybe that is just what I think of myself. I really can’t tell.

betweenhimandme:

Remember that what will make you happy is freedom; freedom from numbers and fear of those numbers increasing. Positive self-affirmations are cheesy, they are cliche, but they work; keep telling yourself you’re beautiful in every way possible, even when your mood is low, and slowly learn to believe it. As long as you want recovery, as long as you want to be normal and healthy and happy and free, then it can and will happen. Stay strong, always.

(via fyoured)

mozaeous:

i hate how messed up a society can be to drive so many people to think they’re ugly, or pathetic or worthless for NO REASON except some words. My parents helped me believe in myself since i was a baby, ive never been self conscious a day in my life, never been depressed either. But not everyone has that, and so need to depend on the people in their society. And end up with a fucked up mentality. And it’s so depressing that this happens. I know so many people like this, i looked at the tag ‘ugly’ on tumblr and it’s just overwhelming how many people just feel like absolute shit about themselves. Through no fault of their own. Because they have no faults. They just think that what is perfectly normal, is hideous. What isn’t in the media is disgusting. And frankly, I hate a society that does this to people. We talk about equality, and love and compassion, but as a whole, as a unit, people are just cruel, and heartless. But so long as the majority are fine, nothing is wrong. Right? It just sucks, im sorry. Sorry if i offended anyone. I don’t mean tom nor do i want to.

I love this!!!!!

HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF DURING A BAD BODY IMAGE DAY:

internal-acceptance-movement:

1. Recognize that fat isn’t a feeling.

There are always underlying emotions that we attach to feeling fat. When the “I feel fat” thoughts start up, try to identify what you’re feeling underneath the body dissatisfaction. Are you feeling lonely? Anxious? Invisible? Scared? Ashamed? Inadequate? Whatever the feelings are recognize that they are separate from your body. 

2. Treat yourself as you would a friend.

Because it’s difficult to be kind to ourselves in the moment when the body hating thoughts take over, try responding to your thoughts as if you were supporting a friend. What would you say to someone you loved who was battling your same struggle with body image?

You wouldn’t tell them to not eat for the day in order to compensate for what they ate the previous night. You wouldn’t tell them to punish themselves for their body size through over-exercise, self-harm, or abusive eating habits. You wouldn’t tell them they were worthless or unloveable because of their weight. So why do you tell yourself these things? Break the cycle and start treating yourself like a friend—you deserve that kindness and love from everyone, especially yourself. 

3. Recognize that you are so much more than the size of your body. 

What you look like does not define you. It doesn’t discount your worth as a human being. You are so much more than a number on the scale. As a living, breathing, feeling human being you have inherent value. You are special and important and loved. You exist and therefore you matter.

Your appearance is such a small part of who you are, and it certainly doesn’t warrant enough power to discount the person you are inside. You aren’t your body or your weight—you are your goals and dreams and passions and values. You are your strengths and talents and insight. You are a soul and a spirit and a force of nature. Your body does not define you. 

4. Shift your focus from the external to the internal.

Make a list of all the people you look up to and are inspired by—not because of their weight or appearance, but because of who they are and what they do. Write out all the qualities they have that make you appreciate and value them.

Use the list as a reminder that it’s the internal things—our dreams and passions and goals and morals and insight and character—that truly define who we are and draw people to us; not how we look.

You are no exception to this. Try making your own list of things you like about yourself that have nothing to do with appearance or body size. If you have a difficult time creating one, ask some friends and family to help you. 

5. Think about what you want to be remembered for after you die.

I don’t want people to remember me for what I looked like, what size jeans I wore, or what I weighed. I want to be remembered for the person I am. I want to be remembered as someone who brought about positive change in the world. I want to be remembered as loving friend, partner, and family member. I want to be remembered for my passions and my creativity and my strength. I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference. What do you want your legacy to be? Chances are, it doesn’t have to do with weight.

6. Instead of focusing on the size of your body, start focusing on what your body allows you to do. 

The human body is an incredible force. When we get caught up in the number on the scale and size of clothes however, we forget just how lucky we are to have a fully functioning vehicle to engage in life with. So stop hating your body for the way it looks and start acknowledging and appreciating your body for all that it allows you to do.

Make a list of each activity and feat your body helps you to partake in and accomplish. If you want to be even more specific, list out each body part and describe all the things you wouldn’t be able to do without it. Your body is strong, powerful, and beautiful, regardless of it’s size. Choose to treat it with love, compassion, and gratitude instead of hate and judgement. 

7. Challenge your negative thoughts.

You may not be able to change the way you feel about your body today, tomorrow, or a month from now, but you can begin the process by challenging the thoughts in the moment. Write out a dialogue between your negative voice and a healthy voice. If you have a hard time coming up with positive counters to the negative thoughts, pretend that you are speaking positively about a friend or loved one.

Even if you don’t believe the things you say to counter the voice, it’s still important to speak out against it, because each time you argue with the thoughts, you are taking away some of their power and reclaiming your own. The more you challenge the thoughts, the less you will believe them. The more you argue back, the easier fighting the voice will become. 

9. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

There is a lot of built up energy and emotion underlying the way we feel about our bodies. Holding in how we feel or engaging in behaviors to numb out may make us feel better in the moment, but in the long run, it doesn’t remedy the pain we feel. It doesn’t make us feel better and it keeps us stuck.  

Releasing the energy and painful emotions underlying our body shame requires us to feel our feelings. Whether that means throwing a tantrum on the floor, venting to a friend on the phone, punching a pillow, screaming in your car, or crying in bed, you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Let go of the judgement you have about what you feel and recognize that you are feeling these things for a reason. Give yourself permission to release your emotions and let everything out. 

10. Do self care.

When you’re struggling with body image, distract yourself with healthy coping mechanisms. Take a bubble bath, get a message, ask for a back scratch, cuddle with a pet, make plans with a supportive friend, watch your favorite movie, get a manicure, listening to calming music, do deep breathing—whatever it is, make sure it’s something self-soothing and helps you get out of your head.

11. Be kind with yourself.

You may not be able to control the way you feel about your body, but you can control what you do in response to how you feel.

Instead of beating yourself up, you can choose to treat yourself with compassion. Instead of engaging in unhealthy and abusive behaviors, you can choose to do self-care. Instead of treating your body as an enemy, you can choose to treat it as a friend. Instead of isolating yourself, you can choose to reach out for support and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel loved and accepted. Instead of agreeing with the negative thoughts, you can choose to challenge them. 

***You have more power than you think—don’t let the way you feel about your body keep you from living.

Coping with bad body image days may not be easy, but it is possible.

Don’t give up.

You aren’t alone.

Things can and will get better.

(via stophatingyourbody)

I am so disgusting, I honestly don’t know how to deal with it anymore.

I wish it was all in my head, but it’s just NOT.